Is This Abuse?

Take the healthy relationship QUIZ.

Domestic abuse affects many of us on different levels and while women are in fact the primary victim, men have experienced abuse as well (FBI stats show that 95-98% of the abuse victims are women). Since opening in 1984, the Family Center has provided shelter and services to three or four men in comparison to over a thousand women.

Note: While we understand that victims may be either male or female, we usually refer to the victim in the female expression.

Definition

Domestic abuse is usually separated into three categories of definition, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  Though these are defined separately so people can get a better understanding of it, domestic abuse can be one or all of these.  Verbal abuse is the use of language to degrade or simply put name-calling and things said to cut a person down.   Emotional abuse goes a step further and goes hand in hand with verbal abuse.  Emotional abuse certainly includes name-calling but the abuse goes further.   People who feel degraded, pressured, controlled or isolated, are victims of this type of abuse.  Shoving, kicking, hitting (even open handed) is considered physical abuse.
 

Click on the link below to view a list of abusive relationship indicators.

Pre-Incident Indicators
 

Why She/He Stays

Fear – The abuser threatens to hurt/kill/”get” her if she leaves, or threatens to take the children and she’ll “never see them again”.  He may threaten to never let her go.  The harassment/threats/beatings can last for years after she leaves.  The fear immobilizes her.

Economics – She may have no access to or no savings/no assets/no control over family finances, perhaps even including the money she earns herself.

No place to go – Her parents/family may tell her “you made your bed, now lie in it” or “you should have done this long ago” or “you never should have been with him”.  She may fear for the safety of family or friends who offer to help her as the abuser may have threatened or abused them as well.  Her friends may not believe her as they might not have seen him being abusive.

Her main identity – She sees herself as a wife and mother and is fearful she can’t function without him; she believes that no other man would want her.

Love – There have been good times as well as bad; she loves him and believes he’ll change when he apologizes and makes promises; he has a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde personality.

Lack of support network – There are no follow up services available in her area; she chooses not to utilize the resources available to her or to continue to follow through once she has begun receiving the services.

Emotional dependence – She’s been isolated in the relationship, either by him actively or her fear of his anger, and fears she’d have no relationship at all without him, and may be afraid of being alone. 

Feels sorry for him – She feels responsible for him as he may be ill or an alcoholic; she questions what he would do or have without her or the children.

Commitment to the relationship – She may believe that failure of the relationship is her personal failure.

Religious beliefs – She may have strong religious beliefs; she may be pressured by family, spouse, or clergy.

* Remember:  A victim of domestic violence typically leaves seven to eight times before they finally terminate the relationship. *

Nothing is predestined:
The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.
-- Ralph Blum

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